Feel me up Friday Awards: Farty gets the party starty

I'd love to start your Friday with something superawesome or fantastmically intelligent. You know, the kind of shizz that blows your mind. But if you know me, that's not what I do around here. In fact, what I'm about to say is everything opposite of superawesome and fantasmically intelligent. I was perusing the web of knowledge, hoping to become, yaaaknow-inspired, when I came across an article of "gross facts you may have never wanted to know." They weren't that bad, but one had me LOLing for about twenty minutes.

"They actually make special underwear for people who pass gas a lot. They are called Fartypants." 

So, yeah. I know what you're thinking. "Candyland, you're retarded. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head and it canNOT be true. Fartypants are real (unfortunately). So if you, or someone you love has a problem with flatulence (I'm not directly speaking to you, hubs, but...yaaknow), Fartypants would make the perfect Christmas, birthday, or "hey, your butt stinks" gift. *giggles like the immature child I really am*

Random Fact: I brush my teeth approximately six times a day. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm mildly obsessive (pffft-crazy, I know) and they're NEVER white enough. I want my mouth to blind people with it's brilliance. An unattainable goal, but I'll keep at it until they at least sparkle continuously when I'm in the sun.

Random Fact: You know about my mad crushes on Bert and Brady, but you don't know about my somewhat embarrassing "thing" for (Deadliest Catch) Captain Sig Hansen. I can't figure out what it is. Maybe the dimples or the way he talks (the old smoker's rasp) or because he does like, I don't know, MANLY-MAN work. There isn't anything there I'd normally be, uhh into. Whatever it is, I don't effing know what it means for Bert...or Brady. But I don't think they need to be worried (except for my ever-evolving taste in men...geez).

I just wasn't into the feel up today. Maybe we needed a little more foreplay this week since mourning the loss of my contest. I know, you tried your damnedest and you worked really hard at making me feel better, but my mind kept wandering. Maybe this time next week, it'll be back to normal and these naughty interactions will make me feel like they should: satisfied and guilty for enjoying it.

If you get a sec, there's a supercool lady having a supercool contest to support a supercool cause, and you know I love me some good cause contests (oh I Heart Joy Like BR80, how I miss thee...). So, go check her out HERE. Also, my a-hole cat, Fim, has a Twitter account because that egotistical. Follow him at @Fimthecat. Or don't, whatev.

Until Monday, peeps, would you buy Fartypants? Better yet, ever have an unexplainable crush?
Candyland. OUT.